Hot in Vienna
The hot weather is doing miraculous things to Vienna. Several men have looked – no, stared – at me lately. I don’t know what your experiences are, but to me this happens only once or twice a year, e.g. around Christmas, when people lose all inhibitions due to sweet alcoholic beverages and approaching New Year resolutions. You might think, wow, what a compliment, but no. It’s weird. Their eyes bulge like those of the funny squirrel in Ice Age when he sees the nut. It seems that their blood, well cooled and preserved during the long winter, suddenly rushes uncontrollably within the body labyrinths, sending too much oxygen to the usually unchallenged mid-European male brain.
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Everyone starts to behave like little children when they have visitors. Previously shyest people alive keep calling and inviting you to Sand and the City for free salsa sessions and lemon soda. You discover overnight that they speak Spanish and can dance way better than you. One of them falls instantly in love with my friend, but he doesn’t know she is in love with her best friend. It simply happened when the temperatures reached 30 degrees (Celsius) and they were splish-splashing in one of the aquaria for city people, she explains, while we’re watching shy guy leading an attractive blonde with his salsa hips (no, hips don’t lie). The air smells like sweat and broken hearts.
Women take hours in the bathroom to put on BB creams, CC creams, tan maximizers, sweat minimizers and so on, because they think everybody’s going to stare at their enlarged nose pores, when right now people only care for the right deodorant. Blinding light, sweat and hormones blur the vision, dears, but you can continue to make the beauty industry happy. Some of them have that red-brownish solarium tan, which accentuates life-long skin torture instead of hiding it. It puzzles me every time, how skin that looks like an old shoe and bleached, lifeless hair can also epitomize beauty. Well, it puzzled me at the beginning of summer, but in this heat, I don’t care.
The Viennese tend to run away from the hot city weather to populate tiny mountain villages or Friuli-Venezia Giulia. Tourists in hot pants and flip-flops (Americans), mountain gear (Germans), light down jackets (Italians), manga Prada skirts (Japanese) etc. happily fill the empty spots. Some go shopping on one of Vienna’s busy consumer-friendly streets and have to wear their new shoes for the whole tour group to see, so don’t be surprised to encounter women in 14-cm heels during the Grand Tour of Schönbrunn. One has to look stunning against an imperial backdrop. Meanwhile, Scandinavians are in no hurry to sightsee. First they have to hit that cheap alcohol paradise called beer garden. It’s the heat’s fault, they say.
In any case (future tourists), summer in Vienna is great! In addition to what the city has to offer, the usual complainers are somewhere else in the world, complaining to their pitiable hosts. So, book a ticket and let’s dance.